I grew up with a traumatic childhood. Spent my twenties feeling very lost. I had my son when I was 19, spent most of the time working and struggling to survive. Was in and out of college, couldn’t decide what I wanted to do. I was living a pretty normal life, going to work, being a mom, having a boyfriend but couldn’t run away from the feeling that something was missing. I started reading some self help books like Ekart Tolle and Miguel Ruiz. 11 years ago I had a wake up call that changed the course of my life forever. After this incident, I moved to Hawaii and took a vow of celibacy for two years. I meditated 4 hours a day for 8 months straight. I became a raw food vegan. I did many therapies, I cried, cleansed, and started to remember my childhood. This was the start of my deep inner work. I started a healing journey that lasted over ten years and am still continuing on that journey of healing and discovery. Today I work with people sharing the tools I learned through my own healing and the programs I created of what I believe to map out the healing process. No matter where you are in your journey, if you don’t have inner peace, than you have work to do. I believe that if you open your consciousness, change your perspective, recognize and remove your own blockages which come from traumas and wounds of our past, become self aware, than your true self will reveal. Nothing else is needed. There is no searching, only revealing what was already created. You.
Hawaii – Meditation, Kria Yoga, Spirit, Nature Medicine, Mentors, Releasing Emotions, books.
The first thing I learned in my healing journey was meditation. When I moved to Hawaii I didn’t know where to start or even what i was looking for but I was reading a book by Paramahansa Yoganandya called the autobiography of a yogi and in this book he teaches a method called Kria yoga. I began to practice this method and would meditate with the spirit of Yogananda. Yoganandya became a guide for me, I really felt his precense and support.
The meditation practice at first helped me to cope with stress and anxiety. A lot of stuff was coming up for me, I was crying a lot and having that practice gave me strength. I was doing 4 hours a day of meditation from 4am to 8am. I read somewhere that this is what the Dahli llama did so I said to myself, “Ill do the same”. Quieting my thoughts allowed me to see glimpses into my confidence. I understood that underneath all these shames and wounds, there was a strong human soul. After about 4 months of this practice I started to have visions and my intuition became every strong.
Coincidingly with my meditation practice I was also reading books and listening to audio cds. I was doing Louise Hay affirmations. I was reading Ekart Tolle, Yogananda, Miguel Ruiz. I was doing mantras and prayers. I came across Abraham Hicks. At the time I started listening to Abraham Hicks I was in what felt like an emotional hell. Here I was living in this beautiful majestic peaceful place of Hawaii. I had a beautiful house and very little stress but I was so miserable. I would often drive my car to a beach view and put on the Abraham hicks audio CD collection and just sit there trying to get it, trying to understand, trying to make sense of it all.
I noticed that being in nature immediately changed my vibration. So I would go to the beach almost everyday. The sun, the ocean, the nature, the sea animals, they would all heal me. I would play in the waves for hours and it was like a natural mineral spa with negative ions. The sea turtles would swim up to me beaming their graceful energy. I would hike and eat wild guavas under rainbows and waterfalls. It was kind of hard not to feel better in this environment. I learned that our environment plays a huge role in how we feel.
I met a spiritual teacher named Noble during my time in Hawaii and he became a mentor for me. He was “there”,connected, he understood and was creating with his understanding. I admired his perspective and would spend hours with him at his home talking about spiritual things. Every week on a Friday he held a gathering at his place. He would invite different healing teachers to share tools and everyone would bring food. This is where I created my support circle and found more healing mentors.
Through my meditation practice, understanding and releasing old wounds, things in my life started to change and I started to get strong. Not only strong but I was having visions of living and traveling allover Europe and sharing my message with people. I saw myself with a powerful man who was speaking on stages and empowering people. I became inspired again and through this inspiration I wanted to create a documentary where I would showcase people that have healed themselves from different illnesses. My mom was a cancer survivor and she did it all on her own without any radiation or doctors orders. She had stage 4 cancer of the uterus and the doctors had given her 3 months to live. She healed because she told her body a different story. She said “no, Im not listening to the doctor”, we are going to live! She made some changes with her diet, with her mind, and took up esoteric and healing practices and through this she has completely transformed her life. My mother has been a huge inspiration for me. She also turned me on to many practices as well as raised me with practices from our ancestors. While I was living in Hawaii my mom was doing an apprenticeship with a Shaman. She taught me how to journey and about my power animal. My mother was having a life transforming experience with her shaman and she told me I needed to find one for myself.
During my deep meditation in Hawaii, not only was I having visions, remembering my childhood and gaining confidence I was also connecting deeper to spirit. I wanted to know spirt, what or who it was and who is God. I could feel a presence around me sometimes and one day while I was meditation on my living room floor I asked; who is with me ?”the voice responded and said would you like to see us? I said yes! and the voice said open your eyes. I opened my eyes and immediately closed them because what I saw really freaked me out. I was sitting in a circle with a group of spirits and I had seen all of them. I closed my eyes and said please don’t do that again. I don’t wan to see, just hear. Hearing is fine for me. It was these types of experiences I was having. I reconnected with a childhood guide spirit and we became very close again, her name is Sasha (as I named her when I was 7) and she’s the spirit that helped me come here, she will be with me my whole life and she will leave when its time for me to leave. Sometimes I can see her like a hologram. I can hear her always. She’s always with me and all I have to do is call her and she will answer. I met many other spirits through journeys and meditations and now I have a group of spirits that are always with me and help me with different things. I have one spirit that tells me every time a person is lying to me he whispers in my ear and says “thats a lie”.
In Hawaii I was focused to remember the childhood I blocked out. I opened up the old wounds by becoming clean of all toxins and distractions. I asked the spirits to help me every day. I meditated. I prayed. I did mantras. I cried in the bathtub for one year straight. I had no sex. I ate only raw green juice and raw food. I was very determined and committed. Reconnecting with my spirits helped me reconnect with my memories. I remembered talking to her when I was little girl and it was her who comforted me at night when it was so loud that I couldn’t sleep and it was her that made me feel safe and not alone. Reconnecting with my spirit guides has given me a great tool to work with today.
Los Angeles- Shamanism and meeting a Shaman, Journey, Power Animal, Rituals, Unique therapies, facing fears, removing blockages.
After two years in Hawaii I moved back to LA to start this new project, the documentary. I was seeking out different people to interview that had stories of healing. Through this process I met a Shaman. This Shaman had big visions and a very powerful message. I began to spend a lot of time with him.. After about one year we were working together and had created a world tour where I would support his vision and we would go country to country sharing the message and healing along the way. I was still in healing. I had sessions with the Shaman and would apprenticeship with him as much as I could. Also my mom was in her apprenticeship and was sharing everything she was learning with her Shaman. The Shaman I met had a unique way of approaching healing. He was very bold, sometimes aggressive and made you feel uncomfortable. He looked at everything as a spirit so if there was a blockage it meant there was a bad spirit in you. His therapies were either in the style of an exorcism or an interrogation. But they worked! And I had many. He had read a lot of books and had lots of knowledge about the mind and manifestation and healing. We became very close.
Europe & The Middle East- Acceptance, Self Love, Pleasure, and the Power of Orgasm
The Shaman and I hit the road full speed ahead. One year went by and I was so focused on the business that I lost focus of my spiritual practice. I went on a “mediterranean dolce vita” binge. For two years while we were traveling I would dive myself into pleasure. I learned about self love and filling yourself up with pleasure and beauty. This was a time of balancing the polarity within myself from meditating monk in Hawaii to hedonist in Europe, I dove all in.
The Shamans philosophies about sex were very much aligned with Oshos. No commitment, no boundaries and lots of it! He did not believe in monogamy only expression. Under his guidance I felt safe to express myself in this way and I began a sexual exploration. At first my exploration was unconscious but true to my life path which is a life of a spiritual journey, this recognizably became a form of healing.
After I became aware of what I was doing, I approached it in a different way. I took lovers to learn about my emotions, to learn about my body and to learn about their deepest hidden secrets. I created a safe space for a man to be comfortable with me because there were no expectations or commitments. What I discovered blew my mind. Men shared with me things they would never share with a girlfriend. Strange things, fetishes, habits, perspectives. And once I released the expectation there was no dissapointment and what came was acceptance and what healed was my own acceptance and judgement. Through hearing others strange behaviors and stories, I began to accept and love myself more.
On the physicality part of the sexual exploration I learned so much about the womans body. I learned that we store our wounds and traumas in the second chakra and you can actually feel them. That orgasms are not just about “getting off”., but serve a much higher purpose. Orgasm can be a direct path to your higher consciousness. There are levels of orgasm and as we release and remove those stored emotions those levels open up and as we reach higher levels of pleasure, we connect deeper with our higher self. Its definitely a form of a spiritual practice when you are conscious and have that intention. Sex is very powerful and often times its power gets misused. Most people use sex to receive the energy and high to feel better, but just like if you use cocaine to feel high, after the high wears off your actually left feeling worse. Sex can be the same when its being misused. When I changed my perspective about sex and released the shame I had around it everything changed. I healed my second chakra and the emotions that were stored there.
South East Asia- Birthing my Creativity
Moving to Southeast Asia was all about immersing myself into my spiritual practice and rituals. Embodying the tools I learned and making a commitment to staying in the energy of connection and consciousness. I am birthing my creativity which has been suppressed my whole life through art, writing and creating tools for self development and empowerment. I live in a peaceful environment and I live a conscious and healthy life. I am spending my time working on new creative projects and developing programs.
Don’t follow someone else, follow yourself. Learn self empowerment tools to be your own healer. Become self aware. Take responsibility for your own happiness. Be brave enough to look at the parts of yourself that need healing.